I used to look at other people's babies in the prams, in their arms and wished that they were mine! Oopss my secret is out!! One by one, my friends, colleagues and surrounding people were getting pregnant. I know two had unfortunately miscarriaged but then had got pregnant again. One had delivered already; the other is delivering in February. Even my Sister in law who is the same age as me already has a 6 year old son. Almost all my neighbours who are newly married couples like me already had their first kid.
Why me? Why can't I conceive?
Somehow I started to regret why I did not marry my hubby earlier. We knew and were together for 10 years before we settled down. In fact he had proposed to me 8 years ago
when we were much younger. Why didn't I agree then? Who knows by now my kid might be already attending Primary School! As what they say, it is easier to conceive when you are younger.
My mum had 3 children popping them like anything, one after every 2 years. Why did this happen to me? Plus she don't understand why I'm taking this long to conceive. You know, I'm sure this happens to all of us - It had never occurred to me that I would embark on this IVF route.
We had tried TCM for the past 2 years and consulted another fertility doctor previously, and did an IUI too which did not exceed. It had come to a point that I did not
want to waste any more time. We are no longer in our 20s or early 30s. Both my hubby and I are soon going to hit our 40s in a couple of years time.
Some nights were spent in tears in bed
asking myself when is my baby coming? Why me? I have not done any bad stuff. Checks with the doctor yield normal results - no blocked tubes, no problem with womb, etc. Everything was normal.
What's wrong? Why is it so difficult?
I was losing hope and faith as time goes on. It is a weary journey like scaling the highest mountain in the world with the summit so beyond me. At least, if I have the physical power, I can press on. But this TTC thingy, it is so out of my control! What can I do? All these regular TCMs, weekly acpunctures, not forgetting the long waiting time and the difficulty in making appointments are making me crazy!
It was then I decided to embark on the IVF route! Why?
Many reasons. But the most important one is because I simply need
a concrete plan to look forward to! And not waiting around for things to
happen. I knew I had to do something immediately as I feel I cannot carry on living my life normally. I lost interest in everything including my work. I wanted to quit.
Both of us are not young anymore. My eggs and his swimmers cannot
wait any longer. I found out that - for IVF - my eggs will be retreived this year, fertilised and stored, which means the age of my eggs are at my present age. If I'm lucky, I can have a few rounds of transfer which means the following years when I want a second child, I can use my fertilised "younger" eggs. Therefore I scheduled myself with KKH for IVF before our eggs and spermies get older and worse off. Moreover, they are giving government grants until age 40. I reckon I don't have many years to play with. Lucky my hubby just followed along my idea.
After I made the decision, I felt much better and I had a more "foreseeable" goal to work towards to - something that I can look forward to, even at work when I motivate myself.
At the same time, I know I need TCM to "tiao" my body so that my body, my womb is in the optimal stage to carry the baby till full term if I really really BFP.
So thereafter everyday, my life was rotated between seeing TCM, taking the yukky tasting TCM medicine, doing weekly acpuncture, engaging myself in some exercise and healthier food, staying off cold drinks and food, cutting down on coffee and tea, while waiting for my IVF slot in August 2011.
But no luck! I failed my first fresh cycle in August. I had put in two good grade embroyos (Grade 4 and 5 according to KKH's standards) but they did not implant. It was truly very heart
breaking although I was prepared that I may not be so lucky to succeed he first
round. Don't know why - tears just flowed down, everywhere I went in the first 3 days, in the car, in the toilet, even when eating meals, when I'm alone or with my hubby.
After 3 days, I tell myself to buck up - I have another chance - I will go for another transfer again and re-scheduled myself for the October slot with KKH.
For what happens next, you can refer to my earlier posts. Since then, I have never looked back!