I used to look at other people's babies in the prams, in their arms and wished that they were mine! Oopss my secret is out!! One by one, my friends, colleagues and surrounding people were getting pregnant. I know two had unfortunately miscarriaged but then had got pregnant again. One had delivered already; the other is delivering in February. Even my Sister in law who is the same age as me already has a 6 year old son. Almost all my neighbours who are newly married couples like me already had their first kid.
Why me? Why can't I conceive?
Somehow I started to regret why I did not marry my hubby earlier. We knew and were together for 10 years before we settled down. In fact he had proposed to me 8 years ago
when we were much younger. Why didn't I agree then? Who knows by now my kid might be already attending Primary School! As what they say, it is easier to conceive when you are younger.
My mum had 3 children popping them like anything, one after every 2 years. Why did this happen to me? Plus she don't understand why I'm taking this long to conceive. You know, I'm sure this happens to all of us - It had never occurred to me that I would embark on this IVF route.
We had tried TCM for the past 2 years and consulted another fertility doctor previously, and did an IUI too which did not exceed. It had come to a point that I did not
want to waste any more time. We are no longer in our 20s or early 30s. Both my hubby and I are soon going to hit our 40s in a couple of years time.
Some nights were spent in tears in bed
asking myself when is my baby coming? Why me? I have not done any bad stuff. Checks with the doctor yield normal results - no blocked tubes, no problem with womb, etc. Everything was normal.
What's wrong? Why is it so difficult?
I was losing hope and faith as time goes on. It is a weary journey like scaling the highest mountain in the world with the summit so beyond me. At least, if I have the physical power, I can press on. But this TTC thingy, it is so out of my control! What can I do? All these regular TCMs, weekly acpunctures, not forgetting the long waiting time and the difficulty in making appointments are making me crazy!
It was then I decided to embark on the IVF route! Why?
Many reasons. But the most important one is because I simply need
a concrete plan to look forward to! And not waiting around for things to
happen. I knew I had to do something immediately as I feel I cannot carry on living my life normally. I lost interest in everything including my work. I wanted to quit.
Both of us are not young anymore. My eggs and his swimmers cannot
wait any longer. I found out that - for IVF - my eggs will be retreived this year, fertilised and stored, which means the age of my eggs are at my present age. If I'm lucky, I can have a few rounds of transfer which means the following years when I want a second child, I can use my fertilised "younger" eggs. Therefore I scheduled myself with KKH for IVF before our eggs and spermies get older and worse off. Moreover, they are giving government grants until age 40. I reckon I don't have many years to play with. Lucky my hubby just followed along my idea.
After I made the decision, I felt much better and I had a more "foreseeable" goal to work towards to - something that I can look forward to, even at work when I motivate myself.
At the same time, I know I need TCM to "tiao" my body so that my body, my womb is in the optimal stage to carry the baby till full term if I really really BFP.
So thereafter everyday, my life was rotated between seeing TCM, taking the yukky tasting TCM medicine, doing weekly acpuncture, engaging myself in some exercise and healthier food, staying off cold drinks and food, cutting down on coffee and tea, while waiting for my IVF slot in August 2011.
But no luck! I failed my first fresh cycle in August. I had put in two good grade embroyos (Grade 4 and 5 according to KKH's standards) but they did not implant. It was truly very heart
breaking although I was prepared that I may not be so lucky to succeed he first
round. Don't know why - tears just flowed down, everywhere I went in the first 3 days, in the car, in the toilet, even when eating meals, when I'm alone or with my hubby.
After 3 days, I tell myself to buck up - I have another chance - I will go for another transfer again and re-scheduled myself for the October slot with KKH.
For what happens next, you can refer to my earlier posts. Since then, I have never looked back!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Preparing myself for IVF and conceiving
Just wanted to share with you on what I have done to prepare myself for IVF and conceiving. I hope this helps you in some way...
1) Cut down on my coffee and (ang mo) tea - to about once a week
2) Drink warm or hot water at all times (to the extent that I buy a small thermal flask and carry it out wherever I do)
3) Stay off all cold drinks and food completely (there goes my ice cream, jap. cold noodles, even cold cut fruits etc)
4) Wear socks when sleeping if possible (I'm scared of cold at my feet)
5) Wear slippers when at home (my flooring is made of tiles, too cold for me)
6) Drink Longan Red Date drink (about once or twice a week)
7) Tries to exercise regularly (to improve qi circulation)
8) Sleep earlier, do not have late nights (I try to knock off not too late from work)
9) Eat healthy snacks like unsalted fruits and nuts (stop all my potato chips) (For my FET, I forgot to buy Brazil nuts)
10) Weekly, or twice a week acpuncture (if I can make it) at Dr Zou Yi Min (at AMK) for 6 months before my ET. (But before that, I also went to Dr Tan Kian Sing (at TCM) for acpuncture but as his appointements are so packed month by month, I went to AMK to Dr Zou)
11) Acpuncture at Raffles Hospital TCM with Dr Jin Jin Hua during the week of ET. Took up the IVF Booster package which consist of 5 times (about $400+). I need 2 sessions before ET and 3 sessions after ET. (Reason was that I don't want to tire myself from travelling to AMK since I don't drive and I heard that its okay to do acpuncture after ET as long as its at the right places - its to help implantation mainly. A friend shared the she and her SIL also went for this package and had conceived!)
12) Went to temples (Guan Yin Miao @ Bugis and Zu Shen Niang Niang@ Toa Payoh) to pray pray. I collected 2 eggs from ZSNN and ate at home with my hubby. They are given by other couples who had gotten pregnant.
13) Be disciplined in taking my TCM. (Yes; very yuckky i know, disgusting but no choice)
14) Went for healings of course!
1) Cut down on my coffee and (ang mo) tea - to about once a week
2) Drink warm or hot water at all times (to the extent that I buy a small thermal flask and carry it out wherever I do)
3) Stay off all cold drinks and food completely (there goes my ice cream, jap. cold noodles, even cold cut fruits etc)
4) Wear socks when sleeping if possible (I'm scared of cold at my feet)
5) Wear slippers when at home (my flooring is made of tiles, too cold for me)
6) Drink Longan Red Date drink (about once or twice a week)
7) Tries to exercise regularly (to improve qi circulation)
8) Sleep earlier, do not have late nights (I try to knock off not too late from work)
9) Eat healthy snacks like unsalted fruits and nuts (stop all my potato chips) (For my FET, I forgot to buy Brazil nuts)
10) Weekly, or twice a week acpuncture (if I can make it) at Dr Zou Yi Min (at AMK) for 6 months before my ET. (But before that, I also went to Dr Tan Kian Sing (at TCM) for acpuncture but as his appointements are so packed month by month, I went to AMK to Dr Zou)
11) Acpuncture at Raffles Hospital TCM with Dr Jin Jin Hua during the week of ET. Took up the IVF Booster package which consist of 5 times (about $400+). I need 2 sessions before ET and 3 sessions after ET. (Reason was that I don't want to tire myself from travelling to AMK since I don't drive and I heard that its okay to do acpuncture after ET as long as its at the right places - its to help implantation mainly. A friend shared the she and her SIL also went for this package and had conceived!)
12) Went to temples (Guan Yin Miao @ Bugis and Zu Shen Niang Niang@ Toa Payoh) to pray pray. I collected 2 eggs from ZSNN and ate at home with my hubby. They are given by other couples who had gotten pregnant.
13) Be disciplined in taking my TCM. (Yes; very yuckky i know, disgusting but no choice)
14) Went for healings of course!
Friday, December 16, 2011
Still going for my weekly healing
Although I have gotten the BFP, I tell myself to enjoy the pregnancy and be stress free, be happy so that my little one will be a cheerful happy baby.
Only after 9 months when the baby is safely in my hands, I can then rest my heart. But then, another set of worries comes along. It's never easy being a mummy.
I will still continue to go for my healings. I see it as "An Tai". I feel good having weekly healings to know how my little one is doing as my next doctor appointment is so farway - in January 2012 (that will be week 10). Long wait.......
Only after 9 months when the baby is safely in my hands, I can then rest my heart. But then, another set of worries comes along. It's never easy being a mummy.
I will still continue to go for my healings. I see it as "An Tai". I feel good having weekly healings to know how my little one is doing as my next doctor appointment is so farway - in January 2012 (that will be week 10). Long wait.......
About distance healing again...
Someone asked me about distance healing.
What I can share is that for my case ...
1) If I'm unwell, I can ask my Lao Shi (Mdm Tan) to do distant healing to make me feel better.
For example, I had bleeding during my 2ww, I was very scared and worried and quickly asked Mdm Tan to help me. This means without seeing and touching me physically, she can provide the energy healing to make me feel better, well.....help me...like...through space.. (I know it's probably difficult to understand and explain in scientific terms but it's how it works and I believe it works). Bascially, you can request for distant healing if you need help on an emergency basis and can't travel to meet her (like so sick in bed). However you need to be her customer first - she needs to see you face to face and have the physical healing first - basically from what I know, she must feel your energy field and tune in with it before she can administer the distance healing in future (if you need it). (Well, something like that. You can goggle to find out more..)
2) I also asked for distant healing to take care of my frozen babies. You can read my earlier post.
What I can say is that I have found that Mdm Tan's healing really helped me and I just like to share this with everyone of you. I have been through it and I know how it all feels like.
If you have failed your IUI or IVF or gotten that BFN, nevermind!!! It's alright!! I know the same feeling. You know, all my HPT had expired without being even used - My menses came everytime and I did not have even a chance to use them. Until a point in time that I stopped buying. Very jia lat right? Yes that's me.
While waiting for your turn again for the next slot, I think you should give this a try. I believe she has a pair of healing hands, just waiting to help all of us!! Don't miss it. You will surely feel the difference. Like what another lady has shared with me, she has been so positive after seeing Mdm Tan and I wish her all the best - she is trying naturally this month!
Some people has asked me very "cheem" questions. Like to explain healing in factual terms, the implications etc. I don't know how to answer you. Suggest you google for more information. Bascially, if you believe this can help, then just go with an open mind. If you don't believe and is uncomfortable about it, very simple, then don't go.
Do you believe in fate? I do believe myself.
If there is fate, 2 persons will meet. If there is no fate, we won't meet.
All the Best!
What I can share is that for my case ...
1) If I'm unwell, I can ask my Lao Shi (Mdm Tan) to do distant healing to make me feel better.
For example, I had bleeding during my 2ww, I was very scared and worried and quickly asked Mdm Tan to help me. This means without seeing and touching me physically, she can provide the energy healing to make me feel better, well.....help me...like...through space.. (I know it's probably difficult to understand and explain in scientific terms but it's how it works and I believe it works). Bascially, you can request for distant healing if you need help on an emergency basis and can't travel to meet her (like so sick in bed). However you need to be her customer first - she needs to see you face to face and have the physical healing first - basically from what I know, she must feel your energy field and tune in with it before she can administer the distance healing in future (if you need it). (Well, something like that. You can goggle to find out more..)
2) I also asked for distant healing to take care of my frozen babies. You can read my earlier post.
What I can say is that I have found that Mdm Tan's healing really helped me and I just like to share this with everyone of you. I have been through it and I know how it all feels like.
If you have failed your IUI or IVF or gotten that BFN, nevermind!!! It's alright!! I know the same feeling. You know, all my HPT had expired without being even used - My menses came everytime and I did not have even a chance to use them. Until a point in time that I stopped buying. Very jia lat right? Yes that's me.
While waiting for your turn again for the next slot, I think you should give this a try. I believe she has a pair of healing hands, just waiting to help all of us!! Don't miss it. You will surely feel the difference. Like what another lady has shared with me, she has been so positive after seeing Mdm Tan and I wish her all the best - she is trying naturally this month!
Some people has asked me very "cheem" questions. Like to explain healing in factual terms, the implications etc. I don't know how to answer you. Suggest you google for more information. Bascially, if you believe this can help, then just go with an open mind. If you don't believe and is uncomfortable about it, very simple, then don't go.
Do you believe in fate? I do believe myself.
If there is fate, 2 persons will meet. If there is no fate, we won't meet.
All the Best!
My little one playing hide and seek @ Week 7
Just finished my healing session. I always loved these sessions as there is always new updates of my little beanie. I'm always so greedy for them!
This is how it goes :
Me : How?
Laoshi (Mdm Tan): No worries. The little one is very active, growing nice but very naughty!!
Me: Huh?? Why naughty? How u know?
LS: I can feel it. When I put my hands on the left, the little one runs to the left. When I find the baby, the baby runs again... Your baby is having fun. Floating around, swimming very happily.
Me : Really?? You felt it??
(I laughed with Gee! Good leh!! Mummy is so happy for you!)
LS : Yes, I can feel the baby movements during healing. Your baby is so playful and active!
Me : How about now? Can you feel the baby under the healing session?
LS touches my tummy and says : Now no longer. Only during healing session, I can feel the baby very strongly - swimming around like playing hide n seek with me. I also saw four little limbs coming out.
Me : Wah! Like that is it? ( I took out my I phone and showed her the Baby Lite App at 7 weeks. It shows colorful images of the growth of our baby.)
LS : And the baby enjoys warmth. I give warmth from my hands. When given warmth, the baby stays quiet and enjoys in comfort, not running around anymore.
I start to feel and visualize my little one being cradled and enjoying the warmth of being cuddled.
Maybe little one is putting on a pair of sun glasses, basking in the sunlight enjoying the nice warm feeling! Whahhahaha!! Oh no, your mummy going crazy with happiness already. Tonight cannot sleep again. Mdm Tan always makes me cannot sleep with happiness!
Me : (I put my hand on my tummy and tells LS) Heee, I also cannot feel anything. Of course lah, I'm not so powerful like you, Lao Shi.
I can't wait to tell my hubby about this.
Actually, you know, at 7 weeks, I did not have much "feel"about my little beanie. Yes, I'm the guilty mummy who seldom talks to my little beanie (although I read online that many mummies have already started talking to them). Maybe because I can't "feel" the little one yet. I am still living each day the same as before - no cramps, no morning sickness, not much loss of appetite, no headaches, no cravings... Everything is too normal!!! Normal until quite scary....
But its good too! I don't want all the morning sickness and what soever - so uncomfortable! I only had loss of appetite like a total of approx 4 times during week 5 to 6. A bit like something stuck at the throat for about 3 days during week 6 only. I believe it must have been the healings that makes me pass each day like a breeze..... I don't even feel pregnant, except my tummy like slightly fatter.
Now that Mdm Tan tells me about my active beanie, it suddenly becomes like sooo REAL!!! Just that our human hands are not gifted at this stage to feel anything inside the tummy yet, but our baby is already playing, maybe somersaulting inside already!!! Gosh!!! So real!!!
I simply loved healing sessions!! You can guess why by now!!
This is how it goes :
Me : How?
Laoshi (Mdm Tan): No worries. The little one is very active, growing nice but very naughty!!
Me: Huh?? Why naughty? How u know?
LS: I can feel it. When I put my hands on the left, the little one runs to the left. When I find the baby, the baby runs again... Your baby is having fun. Floating around, swimming very happily.
Me : Really?? You felt it??
(I laughed with Gee! Good leh!! Mummy is so happy for you!)
LS : Yes, I can feel the baby movements during healing. Your baby is so playful and active!
Me : How about now? Can you feel the baby under the healing session?
LS touches my tummy and says : Now no longer. Only during healing session, I can feel the baby very strongly - swimming around like playing hide n seek with me. I also saw four little limbs coming out.
Me : Wah! Like that is it? ( I took out my I phone and showed her the Baby Lite App at 7 weeks. It shows colorful images of the growth of our baby.)
LS : And the baby enjoys warmth. I give warmth from my hands. When given warmth, the baby stays quiet and enjoys in comfort, not running around anymore.
I start to feel and visualize my little one being cradled and enjoying the warmth of being cuddled.
Maybe little one is putting on a pair of sun glasses, basking in the sunlight enjoying the nice warm feeling! Whahhahaha!! Oh no, your mummy going crazy with happiness already. Tonight cannot sleep again. Mdm Tan always makes me cannot sleep with happiness!
Me : (I put my hand on my tummy and tells LS) Heee, I also cannot feel anything. Of course lah, I'm not so powerful like you, Lao Shi.
I can't wait to tell my hubby about this.
Actually, you know, at 7 weeks, I did not have much "feel"about my little beanie. Yes, I'm the guilty mummy who seldom talks to my little beanie (although I read online that many mummies have already started talking to them). Maybe because I can't "feel" the little one yet. I am still living each day the same as before - no cramps, no morning sickness, not much loss of appetite, no headaches, no cravings... Everything is too normal!!! Normal until quite scary....
But its good too! I don't want all the morning sickness and what soever - so uncomfortable! I only had loss of appetite like a total of approx 4 times during week 5 to 6. A bit like something stuck at the throat for about 3 days during week 6 only. I believe it must have been the healings that makes me pass each day like a breeze..... I don't even feel pregnant, except my tummy like slightly fatter.
Now that Mdm Tan tells me about my active beanie, it suddenly becomes like sooo REAL!!! Just that our human hands are not gifted at this stage to feel anything inside the tummy yet, but our baby is already playing, maybe somersaulting inside already!!! Gosh!!! So real!!!
I simply loved healing sessions!! You can guess why by now!!
Friday, December 9, 2011
The Blink Blink Day @ Week 6
Yes, this is the long awaited day - the blink blink day!
Waited for my turn at KKH. I was so late for appointment due to the rain - about half an hour.
When it was finally my turn to go in, I was quite nervous. Actually not very nervous because I already knew the result! Mdm Tan told me already! But still somehow kan chiong nevertheless.
Doc Loh uses the abdominal scan and says "Hmm, too small can't see clearly. We do the other scan ok?"
Me : Will it harm the baby?
Doc : No, usually nothing except some people may have some spotting or slight bleeding.
Me : Ok. ( I know that little blink blink is there just like what Mdm Tan says! Sure it's there! I just want Doc to confirm only!)
Doc : Husband can come in to see. Yes, see see - got a blinking heartbeat. Congrats! Baby is doing well. The length from the crown to the rump is 5.7mm. This is the sac and here is the heartbeat and the fetal pole. Good.
Hooray!!!
All is within Mdm Tan's expectations! We are both so happy and relieved. Another hurdle has been cleared!
Left the clinic with a little print out of my little one!
During this journey, the wait for the heart beat is the most scary wait.... the next one is the 2 week wait for HPT! Luckily, I have Mdm Tan to give me advanced update!!! I don't think I can survive the wait myself. So thankful to Mdm Tan once again.
Waited for my turn at KKH. I was so late for appointment due to the rain - about half an hour.
When it was finally my turn to go in, I was quite nervous. Actually not very nervous because I already knew the result! Mdm Tan told me already! But still somehow kan chiong nevertheless.
Doc Loh uses the abdominal scan and says "Hmm, too small can't see clearly. We do the other scan ok?"
Me : Will it harm the baby?
Doc : No, usually nothing except some people may have some spotting or slight bleeding.
Me : Ok. ( I know that little blink blink is there just like what Mdm Tan says! Sure it's there! I just want Doc to confirm only!)
Doc : Husband can come in to see. Yes, see see - got a blinking heartbeat. Congrats! Baby is doing well. The length from the crown to the rump is 5.7mm. This is the sac and here is the heartbeat and the fetal pole. Good.
Hooray!!!
All is within Mdm Tan's expectations! We are both so happy and relieved. Another hurdle has been cleared!
Left the clinic with a little print out of my little one!
During this journey, the wait for the heart beat is the most scary wait.... the next one is the 2 week wait for HPT! Luckily, I have Mdm Tan to give me advanced update!!! I don't think I can survive the wait myself. So thankful to Mdm Tan once again.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Little one tossing around
Just had my healing session. Was feeling so relaxed that I dozed off again and awoke when its towards the ending time.
Mdm Tan tells me she feels my little one is growing stronger and tossing around happily inside my tummy.
So happy and relieved that all is doing well. My next appointment is to hear the little one's heart beat and I am looking forward to this special day, 9 Dec (with a special meaning too)!
Mdm Tan tells me she feels my little one is growing stronger and tossing around happily inside my tummy.
So happy and relieved that all is doing well. My next appointment is to hear the little one's heart beat and I am looking forward to this special day, 9 Dec (with a special meaning too)!
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